And all because of a damn cold
by Belledonner
Summary: Edward Elric catches a cold, here are the amusing repercussions i came up with...mohohahaha....catch it! Ed x Roy. belledonner. FINAL CHAPTER!
1. drool

**And all because of that damned cold**

**chapter 1**

AN; I have never heard of Edward having a cold, so heres the consequences I thing might happen if he had one.

Enjoy!

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Disclaimer; they own the neighbourhood, I just rent a house.

Edward Elric woke to drool covering his arm in a slick film, he felt sick to the stomach every time he swallowed, so it seemed his body had given up swallowing while he was sleeping and had let the spit just leek from his cotton ball mouth and onto his arm that was cushioning his head while the train jostled around him.

"nnnghoog," Edward said through his stuffed up nostrils as he raised his cheek from the slimy bare automail arm, not the best way to start a morning.

"Good morning to you too brother, did you sleep well? You must have been dreaming about food, or something yummy, because you were drooling more than usual." Alphonse' voice was way too happy for the time of day –morning- and Edward groaned, his throat closing dryly in protest and electing another moan in the blond.

"Al," he croaked out, "I feel like shit, got it? Now please don't talk again for a year or two so I don't feel like ripping your head off." _Witch wouldn't be possible right now anyway since I can't even raise my head let alone find the energy to kill you. _Ed soon gave up and let his head flop back heavily –and painfully- on his slimy automail arm.

"Perhaps we should get you to a doctor? You don't look so good." _Alphonse; always thinking of others, if only he would learn not to talk and just think the helpful thoughts…_

"Brother? Brother… Edward?" but his asking went unanswered, Edward was drooling again, his face pressed at an odd angle as he slept so the drool ran upwards towards an unsuspecting nose and tightly closed eyes.

_Maybe he has a cold…_ Alphonse thought as he pulled his brothers top down and turned his head so the drool would run down his cheek instead of up his nose.

Damn cold.

AN/ yep I have a cold, and a doozy at that, I just got over the last one yesterday, and I catch one today…_wonderful _just _grand_. And the painful thing is that I woke up just like Edward, but worse, my pillow was completely soaked also. Damn colds, you always get em when you need them least.


	2. COMMON?

COMMON!?

All because of a damn cold.

Disclaimer; they own the neighborhood, I just rent a house.

* * *

"Just give me the diagnosis doc, I can take it, just tell me, is it bad? Come on doc, just give it to me straight, it is isn't it? Is it that serious? Am I going to die?! ANSWER ME PLEASE! HOW LONG DO I HAVE LEFT?!" Edward yowled through a painfully scratchy throat, _why won't the doc just tell me?_

"Well if you would just give me two seconds to talk," the doctor before him sighed dramatically, and Edward suppressed the urge to strangle him. "I am afraid it seems you have been over extending yourself lately, the stress has lowered your immune system and you have managed to catch-,"

"oooaaahhnngg, is it that bad doc? Will I have enough time to say 'so long' to my loved ones? Will you have to quarantine me? Will you take me away from Al?" Edward interrupted with his ongoing babble. Then a horrifying thought hit his slightly paranoid brain, "will you need to use a…_**needle**_? Will you force _milk_ into my veins?!"

"No no, nothing of the sort, you merely have a common cold." The doctor said happily, just a tad too much like Alphonse's, and Edward fought with the urge to strangle the man again.

"A… cold? A common cold? COMMON?! What I have is nothing COMMON! I was barely conscious on the way here my energy is so low! I drool all night because my throat refuses to swallow with out giving me the urge to puke, snot is coming out of my nose so fast and in such large quantities that I am worried I am sneezing up my intestines! And now your calling me SHORT!?"

"I never said any thing about your height…but perhaps it's a very bad common cold? I mean if you have never had a cold before that suggests that your immune system is very strong, but it also means that if it has failed then it will probably take longer for you to get well again." The doc said in a timid voice, cowering in his leather recliner as Edward launched himself with the energy her couldn't find before straight onto the large oak desk and glared down on him, his hands poised to clap.

"Err brother I think we need to go now…"Alphonse's voice sounded from behind them, "Brother, I think your scaring him."

"Nope, he isn't scared…yet." And with that Edward clapped and brought his hands down on the desk, using the momentum to flip backwards and straight out the door with much muttering about; "common cold my ass" and something that sounded suspiciously like 'ducking glass mole.'

Alphonse waved to the doctor, who was now 4 meters in the air and suspended there by a giant needle that pinned his suede jacket to the roof, smiled and ran out after his brother who probably had stuffed tissues up his nose again.

_What would brother do without me?_ Al asked himself as he closed the door behind him and was greeted on the other side by said brother attempting to dislodge said tissues from said nose. _Typical._

And all this because of one damn cold.

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AN; yea now its gonna get interesting…the bunnies are breeding…someone must remind me to send them to a hunting range or else my other stories are ruined…stupid addictive fluff… and i still have my cold too...


	3. the dressing gown

**All because of a damn cold**

**Chapter three;**

**The dressing gown.**

AN: ah my cold is still here, and will be till I give it to some else…. I wonder if I should gift-wrap it…?

Ok, thanks a billion to **lulio chan, **who put in a review that just made my day, and put me in the mood to write hint hint

sooooo, a big thanks to **rry, mrawgirl109,** and **lulio chan,**who all put me up on their favs. I am shocked and amazed by how many hits I have already! It truly made me see stars when I checked in DT class at school, everyone in the class looked at me oddly when I started grinning manically though… and the closest few started to back away. I wonder why…?

So keep the reviews coming if you want that chapters flowing! I enjoy seeing new faces (or letters really) and old ones!

Disclaimer; they own the neighbourhood, I just rent a house.

Now on with the story!

Belledonner.

* * *

"Aaaa-lll," Edward wined in an over exaggerated croak. "Help me brother, o'brother of mine," cough, wheeze, splutter, " hellllllp, meeeeee."

"What do you want?" Alphonse snapped; he was at the end of a very long tether. His brother had not stopped wining and complaining since they had returned from the doctors and Al had bed ridden him. Al desperately needed to either get rid of his brother or knock him unconscious fast; Winry was coming to central for a visit, and Edward didn't know a thing about it, witch is how Alphonse wanted it to stay, he really didn't want Edward to be privy to what they would be doing.

"Fine! If you want to take _that _tone with _me_, then I guess _I_ will be leaving." Edward heaved himself up from the sunken bed, his eyelids drooping as he tilted to one side, his automail arm almost scraping the floor as Edward picked his way towards the closet and started throwing cloths around the room in search of his usual attire.

"Um brother, I wouldn't wear that if I were you." Alphonse said hesitantly as Edward pulled his red coat from its crumpled pile in the corner of the cupboard. Al was trying really hard to keep the enthusiasm out of his voice at the prospect of getting his brother out of the house, but he must have let something slip because said brother gave him a dirty glare and flipped him a bird.

"Why not?" Ed said, his voice irritable behind the drowsiness.

"Because you used it as a tissue yesterday."

True enough, there was a rather large, green slimy patch on the flamel design on the back. Edward shrugged it off, "uggguh gross, oh well, it'll have to do."

Alphonse stood in horror as his brother trudged towards the front door dressed in nothing but boxers, his combat boots and a slime-covered coat.

"You cant were that outside brother!" Al half shrieked, grabbing the back of the redcoat in his fist –careful to avoid the snot- and yanking it of his brothers back and replacing it with something less mucus covered in less time than it took Edward to realize he was missing it. "Okay, now out!" and with that Edward was dumped unceremoniously into the corridor.

"Fine then!" Ed half yelled, half croaked to know one particular –as there was no one there to hear his pathetic attempt of fury-.

And with that, and a swirl of his new 'coat' (and Edward was yet to realize that he wasn't wearing his snot covered red coat), Edward marched groggily down the hall towards Mustang's office.

From behind the door Alphonse waited till the clank of automail faded, then he rushed to the phone, dialling the number before he had got the earpiece to his face.

_What he doesn't know won't hurt him. _And he wasn't only thinking about the baby blue dressing gown covered in yellow duckies his brother was now wearing.

-OoO-

And all because of one damn cold.

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AN: the next chapter is going to be rather…amusing, shall we say? Mustang, duckies, chicken soup, and pictures…I will say no more. But if you want to read more then you will have to review more! Hooray!

Belledonner.


	4. the Routine

**All because of a damn cold.**

**Chapter four;**

**The routine.**

AN: hello again! You should all be horrified to hear that my cold seems to be getting _worse_ and not better, but thank you very much VenusOfhaecate for the sympathy. So I think I may have to make Ed get sicker too, because I should not be made to suffer alone!

I think you may be right--, perhaps I should wrap my cold in newspaper…that way at lease the receiving person not only gets a crappy cold, but also receives free information on local activities! Hooray!

Thanks to; Ria, merlyn1382, venusOfHecate, and mwagirl who gave me great reviews, as well as dark angle59 who put me on their fave list! I love and cherish you all! And its good too see some old faces as well as new!

Mmmkay here we go, now I am going to answer some questions raised by my favourite people (my loyal reviewers!);

1; Alphonse is in a human body, and that is why he is inviting Winry over wiggles eyebrows

2; well the duckie pattern wasn't deliberate I swear…but now you mention it…thanks for the idea!

3; this is an Edward and Roy fic. But as I detest having amazingly soppy love story's, this one will be more of a competition between the two…you will see how later!

4; I decided that this chap isn't going to be the one with Roy in it. Sorry, but I had the choice of updating not and keeping the chap shorter or keep writing and update tomorrow or the day after. So I chose to do it today, but I swear that I will do the next chap this week, so all you roied (Roy x ed) fans will get your fill of the flame.

Oh by the way; I am on a roll at the moment! But please don't get used to such regular, speedie updates. I will, undoubtedly, get a writers block at the worst possible moment and you will all be left stranded, clutching at the finished chapters and praying to the gods for a inspiration lightning bolt to strike me on the head and send me back into the land of words…to help prevent me ever needing a lightning strike or a new muse, feel free to send me some ideas about what could happen later on!

Ok, I am done now! On with the show!

Disclaimer; they own the neighbourhood, I just rent the house!

Belledonner

* * *

Smack

_Heavy breathing._

thunk

"Havoc, go help the thing at the door," Riza said, not glancing up from her paper work as Jean heaved a long-suffered sigh and she was 'forced' to reload her gun and then motion with her brand new revolver towards the door, finger twitching with the urge to try out her new toy on a moving target, her other fingers occupied with signing the colonels name on the supply order forms. "I would be going now."

thud, thud

_scra-ape._

wimper

"Fine fine, I'm going, I'm going." Havoc murmured around a cigarette.

"And what did I say about smoking in the office?"

"Err, not to?"

"Yes, that's right."

There were two gunshots in the space of a minuet.

Havoc was now missing the cigarette formerly dangling from his mouth. He was also strangely missing the cigarette packet he kept hidden in a secret double lining in his butt skirt, it never failed to amaze him –in a frightening sort of way- how the first Lt knew everything that went on with everyone and everything in the office.

"Nice boxers Jean, pink suits you."

Apparently she also knew what colour his boxers were. But that wasn't so surprising, seeing as how the second bullet had not only destroyed his emergency cigarettes but also managed to tear though three layers of cloth and reveal a rather large section of his pink poker-dotted boxer shorts.

He lunged towards the door with one hand stretched towards the handle while his other tried to hold together the pieces of his butt skirt.

A soft thump sounded on the carpet behind him and havoc cursed the mediocre stitching in his military uniform as his mind registered another unopened packet of cigarettes hitting the floor.

The soft thud was quickly followed by another round of bullets and the thought; _there goes another pack I never opened…again. _

Havoc reached the door before Riza could say –or shoot- anything else. He quickly backed himself up to the wide doors, his hands groping behind him as he tried in vain to find the door handle.

A second earlier and he would have opened the door and avoided what was to come. A second later and he would have been spared the pain and laughter that was to follow.

He was suddenly squashed against the wall by a very large, very heavy and very solid inanimate object. This was followed by the sound of tearing fabric.

* * *

Edward threw the doors wide and stumbled in. The odd sound of tearing fabric met his groggy ears, as well as a muffled objection that seemed to be coming from behind the door. How strange.

_You would think, after 10 minuets of bashing against that bloody strong door, they would hear me and let me in. but no-o, they have to leave me, on the floor, half dead and coughing my guts up. And now I have SNOT, more bloody snot, running down my face. Just bloody brilliant!_ His mind was still catching up on lack of sleep it seemed, his body going through the usual routine of dodging a bullet from Riza for being late, being sternly reprimanded for the same reason from Falman, grabbing a half eaten beagle from the desk Breda had left it at –the man was probably already asleep under the desk by now, that is if he wasn't at the mess hall –, have a black coffee shoved in his face by Fury and then finally stumbling behind his own empty desk and landing heavily in his chair.

Except, as his mind had not caught up yet, he didn't notice the change in his routine.

First: he failed to notice that the bullet today just barely missed his temple when he didn't duck as fast as expected.

Second: he didn't hear the lecture that ended in a mumbled question coming from a shocked Vato -who had just noticed that havoc was trying to dislodge himself from the gap between the rather unfortunate wall and a slightly splintered door and still hold together his pants and butt skirt, witch were currently being held together buy what seemed to be a single thread. –

Third: instead of his usual stolen beagle, he had mistakenly picked up what seemed to be the remains of a three-week-old pie slice, lying beside his usual breakfast that seemed to be turning blue and oozing a peculiar purple liquid.

Fourth: he was given the wrong coffee by Fury –who was currently on top of a pile of important-looking paper work on his desk and in tears from laughing as he watched havoc turn the same shade as his boxers, witch were the only things left on his lower half (his pants and butt skirt had given up after a long hard struggle to hide his bright pink boxers).

Fifth: for some reason his chair wasn't where it should be.

And then his brain decided to speed up.

So did gravity.

CRASH.

Havoc seized his chance to escape while the attention was diverted, and bolted for the door, shreds of blue cloth and the odd cigarette trailing behind him.

And Edward was left on the ground, covered from head to toe with a very milky coffee and that odd slime from the pie –witch was currently crawling away from the puddle of spilt drink and the fuming Edward that seemed to be in the centre of said puddle. –

Tap, tap, tap.

Tap, tap, tap.

Splash.

Tap, splash, splosh.

Edward decided to just stay were he was, the swirly mould patterns on the ceiling were truly fascinating, and who, in their right minds would give up the chance to study the damp ceiling for hours? A thought registered in his brain; _isn't the basted colonel supposed to be hot? Why is the roof so damp then…?_ Unfortunately his earth shattering musings were interrupted but the owner of the foot tapping in the coffee puddle next to his ear.

Tap, splosh, tap.

Splosh, splash, splash.

Tap, splash, tap.

And then his day got even better.

"The colonel is ready to see you now. You were due to report two hours ago." The words were accompanied by the friendly and ever present sound of a gun being cocked when he didn't move.

When a warning shot passed bare millimetres from his nose, then he moved. His coffee soaked dressing gown–he still hadn't registered the fact he wasn't wearing his usual coat, even with the yellow duckies impairing his vision with their too happy brightness- flung out behind him as he marched towards Mustangs closed doors.


	5. 1 mustang: 1 INTEL officer and one duck

All because of a damn cold

**All because of a damn cold.**

**Chapter five;**

**Roy, pictures, chicken soup.**

Big thanks to **Coopers-Muse, rry, VenusOfHectare** (god i hope i spelled that right)and **Ria** (well if you not new and your not old then…Your ORIGINAL!)- For the lovely reviews!

also thanks to **shenna95** for the favorite add, and to ** Monkon Soe**l for a story alert. i am glad i am still gaining interest!

Just remember every one! I don't get reviews; I don't get inspiration (funny enough that seems to stem from the reviews…) I don't find the motivation to write (this also has a strange connection to reviews). Then I don't write!

So please R&R!

And now for the chapter you have all been waiting for!

On with the show!

Disclaimer; they own the neighborhood, I just rent the house.

Belledonna

* * *

Edward threw the door to Mustang's inner office wide. The left heel of his boot digging indents into the wood and splintering the frame. He sagged, the burst of energy fading now he did not have Hawkeye's gun barrel pointed at him.

"Well, nice of you to_ finally _join us, Fullmetal, were you planing on repairing the door? Or am I going to replace it _again_?"

"Hay _Maes_." Edward mumbled as he saw the intelligence officer, ignoring the colonel with as much maturity as a three-year-old.

"Hay Edward, you don't look so good buddy," Maes observed, watching as Edward flopped boneless onto the leather couch. "I know just what will cheer you up!"

A noise that sounded very much like a groan of internal bowl problems –or the mental and emotional pain of having to be subjected to yet _more_ pictures- emitted from the curled up lump in the center of the sofa. "Please Maes," the lump begged in a broken voice, "no more pictures, there's only so much a man can take!"

"Pictures? What pictures?" Maes asked innocently, in the background mustang muttered something that sounded like 'what man?' but it was lost in the sound of Maes one handedly struggling to stuff the mass amounts of glossy paper back into his top pocket. "I was…er merely suggesting…that erm, Gracia makes the worlds best chicken soup, and I am sure once you've had a cup or two, you'll be feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to play with my daughter while your babysitting her!"

"You're letting _that_ look after your precious baby girl?" Roy asked loud enough to be heard over Edwards's shrieks about babysitting, chicken soup, and something obtuse about mucus.

"We have the entire house wired, Roy, we will be hearing every move he makes," Maes' eyes shifted suspiciously, tapping the side of his nose. "And besides, Alphonse called; said he needed a favor, something about the Rockbell girl I think."

"Ah," Roy and Maes shared a knowing look.

"Hay wait a second, isn't that my dressing gown? My dressing gown that appears to be covered in milk?" Maes said, eyes narrowing in on the bright monstrosity.

In less than the time it took Maes to whip out a photo, Edward had rolled from the leather couch and ripped the obnoxious article of clothing from his back, clapped and turned it into a bright yellow duckie–it seemed to be a radioactive duckie, if the way it glowed had any effect- with armored helmet. He immediately picked it up and begin repeatedly throwing, punching, kicking and at one stage biting the offending Alphonse-duck. Jump starting straight into another rant;

"I TOLD HIM IT DIDN'T MATTER ABOUT THE SNOT!" Edward howled, Maes and Roy took cover behind the large desk just in time to miss the splatter of fluorescent duck now smeared to the back of a recently vacated chair and coating the office walls. " What, dose he think I'm THREE?! DOSE HE THINK I AM SMALL ENOUGH THAT I WOULD LET HIM DRESS ME IN ANYTHING?!"

"Your brother dresses you?" mustang queried from his safe spot behind Maes and under the desk. "Well actually that would explain a few things…"

"NO! Of course not, you bastard! He must have switched my coat while I wasn't paying attention! STUPID DUCK!"

…

* * *

...

Fifteen minuets later; one former dressing gown down; one duck missing –though it was kinda hard not to notice were it might be, now that all the surfaces in the office were coated in fluorescent yellow. -; One Elric, down and presumed asleep.

"So what do we do with him now?" Roy asked, prodding Edwards flesh foot with a sharp end of a pencil.

"Eh, well we cant just take him back to Alphonse, I do _not_ want to know what even might be happening behind those –thankfully- closed doors," Maes shuddered, "I'll take him back to my place. Come on Roy, help me get him to the car."

With much grunting the two men managed to get the young alchemist of the couch and into a rather awkward carrying pose; his arms grasped by Maes and his legs held gingerly by Roy. Edward's drooling face barely inches from the floor. And though his nose scraped against the carpet with each movement, Edward failed to come out of his semi-comatose state.

"Well he certainly is heavier than I expected," Maes mused as the sleeping Elric let out a sleep-addled murmur. "And Elysia would just hate it if I broke my back carrying him –I couldn't give the cuteness shoulder rides! - Gee thanks for offering to carry him Roy!"

Before mustang could even think of a protest or witty remark, a bundle of blond was thrown into his arms, leaving him staggering a few steps before he regained his balance –though he would later deny he ever lost it-.

Maes waved him to follow as he bolted from the room, leaving a confused and pissed off mustang carrying the sleeping Elric, princess style, staggering after him.

Roy reached the bottom of the stairs breathless, the blond in his arms had griped his shirt with his automail arm and wedged his other arm under the fabric, bear skin on skin. _But that isn't the reason I am breathless!_ Roy though to himself, _I am breathless because he is sooo fucking HEAVY! And that explains the flush too!_

"Bout' time you showed up Roy," Maes said from his position sitting atop a military car, the driver nowhere in sight –probably ran for his life at the sight of Hughes, Roy reasoned, it was what he would do in the drivers place after all-. "Now get _your _bundle of _fun_ into the back."

"Well Ed's automail is _heavy_ even if the rest of him isn't. And if you think it's so fun, then you should carry him back _up_ the stairs. And he is NOT mine." Roy said as he awkwardly opened the back door with the tips of his occupied fingers, Maes made no move to help him and just sat in the drivers seat, sniggering as he watched his best friend in the side-view mirror.

"Nah, you're just getting _fat._"

"I AM NOT FAT! I just haven't had time to go to the gym! And you can't say anything! I mean child birth hasn't been good on you, Maes, it's ruined your figure and given you love handles." Roy smirked, bashed his head on the door frame and fell head over heals forward into the backseat, a heavy lump with an steel –literally- grip pinning him to the car floor.

"I'll have you know Gracia thinks my figure is 'homely'. Ohh and that reminds me, we still need to find YOU a wife! Now get your fat ass into the front seat."

"Ugh, Maes, I have a slight problem. Help?"

Maes looked over the front seat at his best friend who was being smothered by a sleeping Edward. Maes couldn't hold back the laugh that bubbled from his throat. Not that mustang didn't notice, he just chose to ignore his idiotic friends sense of humor –or lack there of-.

"So… Duckie dressing gown to go with your matching pajamas? Eh? What the hell has Gracia done with the Maes I used to know?" Roy shook his head in 'remorse', staring at his 'ex-best-friend' before becoming preoccupied with the object intent of forcing all the air from his lungs. "At least I know I was right about what Edwards wears to bed, and I don't know if that a good thing or a bad thing."

The youth on Mustangs chest was wearing nothing but stripy blue and white boxers with his usual black combat boots witch were currently trying to gouge through Roy's ribs.

"Except the shoes, I would never have guessed Alphonse would let Edward sleep in those."

…

Mustang spent the rest of the trip on the car floor being used as a pillow by the unconscious blond. (witch he would also deny under toucher at a later date.)

and in Roy's eyes; it was all Maes' fault.

And all because of one damn cold.

XXX

Belledonner.


	6. The tall wardrobe, and unkle sparky

**Chapter 6.**

**A tall wardrobe and uncle sparky.**

Hello again!

Before you begin to read the next amusing instalment I would like to point something out that could bring light into broken hearts –that or get some people very mad at me…-;

This chapter was much, much longer. This is only about a quarter of its size. And yes you will read the rest of the chap, it just that I wanted to post something, and I felt it could be stopped here and leave enough suspense for some angry (but faithful) reviews. Don't worry though, I am almost finished the next chapter and can guarantee that it will be up and ready for your enjoyment in only a few days time!

So with that out of the way, I also wanted to mention to everyone that this will not be a seductive fic (hence the low rating), there will be some Roy+Ed but it wont be in a pornographic way, or in a way that makes Roy seem like a paedophile, nor will they have sex in Maes' house. Trust me, I am not that sick.

On the though of sickness, you should all be happy to know that I am no longer sick! After 17 solid hours of straight sleep and a few days with a tissue stuffed up my nose and I am fine!

Soooooo, a HUGE thank you to; **coopers muse, VenusOfHecate **(dose the name have a meaning? Or is its complicated spelling just for kicks?)**, rivenmist, batdiva101,destiny wings, mokona soel, misty-nala. and Demond-kitty-chan**. for all your great and much uplifting reveiws!

also a thanks to: Din7, monkey and cookie. for fav adds! (or maby it was alerts...i cant remember also if i diddnt put you name down its not my fault i blame the computer!)

A massive thanks to **mrawgirl09** for correcting a few hasty mistakes in this chap for me, i wouldnt have spotted them without you! oh, and desencitized means you/they have been around a substance or anoying obect long enough to not realize its happening, or are able to ignore it. so dose that make sence now? I replaced this chap with the improvements so i hope i got all the mistakes! thanks for your help.

Now, on with the show!

Disclaimer: They own the neighbourhood, I just rent the house.

Belledonner. (please leave a review for a patheticly needy autheress?)

* * *

Edward sulked.

Then brooded.

Sulked again, kicked a few _hard_ inanimate objects which only resulted in a hurt foot, a slight dent (Winry was going to kill him for that) and some splintered furniture –which he _chose_ not to fix-.

Then pouted.

But because there was no one there to watch his attempt of unhappiness he ended up sitting on the floor trying very hard to get a little girl down from the top of the wardrobe. At least he was wearing something other than boxers now_. Though this isn't much better_, Edward thought with a whine.

He was now wearing a holy t-shirt with the words 'You can give the military your money,' on the front, and on the back it read 'but you cant make it think.' Except it looked as though someone had attacked it with a black pen and so it now read, '**don't **give **Roy** your money, but you can make **him** **dr**ink!'

It hung past his knees, and below his elbows. His hair –some of which was incrusted in dried snot- was sticking up all around his face, half a hairbrush sticking out from the fray from where it had lodged itself when Gracia tried to defy the frizz. At least it was better than the other option –apparently Elysia had been given some cloths to grow into-.

Elysia. 'Daddy's little angle,' my ass. Edward thought as she threw a toy at him. All her had done was ignore her, then attempt to play 'dollies' with her, though even he could admit putting a armoured tank in the cake was a little over kill. And what did he get for his efforts? A grumpy 2 year old that wouldn't come down from the wardrobe roof.

"GET DOWN HERE!" he screeched, rolling out of the way as porcelain faced dolls rained down, he yelped in protest as one skimmed past his face. "PLEASE!" he pleaded, but it fell only on the deaf ears of the stuffed toy thrown in Edward's direction. "How the devil did you get up there anyhow? Are you trying to insinuate something here?!" he muttered, glaring up at Elysia as she picked which ammunition to use next.

The wardrobe was so _big_. Even on his toes with his arm stretched as far as they would go, he still couldn't reach the ledge Elysia had scrambled onto.

How would he explain this one to Hughes?

* * *

A restraunt in north central:

...

"Uh-oh,"

"What now?!" Gracia said with a long suffered sigh.

"Elysia seems to be out of Edward reach, literally –though, it's not like that's hard-." He muttered, pressing an ear to the box on the table, the box with wires running out the restaurant door and to the power post outside.

"And he will deal with it."

"But Gracia! What if our precious ickle snookums falls?" Maes asked with earth shattering shock written across his face.

"I am _not _leaving this restaurant Maes. Do you remember the last time we wentout?"

"It was barely a few weeks-"

"Without Elysia?""

"I believe it was about a month or so-"

"_Before_ the pregnancy."

"Well yes, _but_ Elysia is such good dinner company! She is like our very own entrée of love!"

"I have just about had enough of the entrée! I need a main course! A dinner for _two_."

A startled waiter jumped back as Gracia slammed a fist into the table next to her own entrée. _And she looked like such a gentle woman too_, the waiter thought.

"But what if-"

"No 'if's no 'but's, I am NOT leaving. If you're so worried, call Roy and get him to stop over an check up on Edward."

Static filled the silence –Maes was cowering behind the flower vase as his usually placid wife glared daggers at him. -

This was followed buy:

"A _**WARDROBE!?**_" Maes screeched, nocking over his own meal as the speaker on the table blurted out a series of ed-rant-like noises.

"I am sure Ed can handle it."

"Fine. I will let uncle sparkly know that he is now babysitting the baby sitter."

* * *

THE PHONE CALL:

"Hello?"

"_Uncle sparkly?"_

"What do you want Maes?"

"_Cant a friend just call to let you know how my err…dinner is going?"_

"No. What's the problem?"

"_Ugh, well you see, there seems to be a **slight **_situation_ back home."_

"Which would be?"

"_Elysia is on top of a wardrobe throwing things at Edward."_

"And this concerns me... **How**?"

"_Because you're going to check on Edward?"_

"Why don't you ask Alphonse? Or better yet, why don't you do it yourself?"

"_I don't want to risk interrupting anything Alphonse might be doing, so I called the next best person! And I would do so myself in a heart beat, but alas, Gracia wont let me leave to save the poor angle."_

"Why don't you just threaten her with your photos of mass destruction?"

"_That wont work on Gracia."_

"That's what you do with all of us, we all fear you because of it, but we also do what you say on fear of Elysia covered paper."

"_What ever gave you the idea I might use my gorgeous Elysia as a black mail weapon? Either way, it won't work on my darling wife."_

"Why? She too desensitised?"

"_No, her photo collection of cuteness is bigger than mine."_

"…"

"_So you will go check on Ed for me?"_

"…"

"_Well thanks buddy! I knew I could count on you to get me out of a stich. Have fun now!"_

Click

* * *

And all this because of one damn cold.

* * *


	7. Knock knock?

**chapter 7**

**Knock Knock**

**AN: **Hello again, sorry it took so long to update, but I had an essay and assignment due in so that –unfortunately- took the priority.

WOOHO! 25 reviews! I know it might not seem like much to you guys, but it's the most I have ever received, so I just wanted to thank you all especially the constant reviewers! You guys just make my year!

So now we have reached 25 in 6 chapters, how bout we try for 35 in 7 chapters? And I will give a special mention to the person who sends the 35th review, and if you lucky I might make you a pop in character or something! So get them reviews in! lol, I swear I am not bribing any one, though free cake to my loyal flowerers!

The wonderful people who helped me get this far;

**Coopersmuse** (i am glad your better!),

**VenusOfHecate** (i love you, your always so faithfull with your reviews! FREE CAKE FOR YOU),

**mrawgirl09** (thanks for the editing, i fixed up all the mistakes!),

**Ria442**(pats head of course you are, of course),

**AlwaysOnTheRun** (Chloe, thanks a bundle for reading!),

**Rivenmist** (dont be afraid! yet...)

You all gave me the inspiration to keep going, and if any of you have any ideas or suggestions about a further plot line- please feel free and welcomed to send me an email. Thanks a bunch you guys!

Now on with the show!

Disclaimer: they own the neighborhood, I just rent the house.

Belledonner

* * *

knock knock

The old wood door cracked open to admit two glaring –if a little glazed- gold eyes.

"Mae' sent coo." The clogged up voice belonging to the eyes accused.

That same door was suddenly flung back in his face.

So Roy knocked again.

"I 'ave everything mumder control." Came the muffled voice from behind the door.

"Not according to-," Roy started, only to be cut off rudely as the door swung violently inwards.

"But we all know he over reacts, seriously, 'specially 'hen it 'omes to the ickle she-devil." Edward raged.

"Well, _duh_. But I came _all_ this way, on pain of photographs! And you really sound like you need a tissue." Roy said, trying to sidestep past the blond, who was blocking his path into the house.

"Roy, it's _barely_ 'woo bocks, and you 'ere _driven_. Enjoy your toucher!" Edward said spitefully through his blocked nose.

"OW!" Roy moaned as the door struck his nose when it came crashing back onto its frame, a slight bulge in the wood that looked suspiciously like a booted footprint appeared in the now warped wood.

"Your not getting rid of me that easily." Roy shouted at the door, one hand still clutching at his nose as the other pounded at the offending door.

"Fine if choo want to help, go burn down the war'robe." The door suddenly swung open again and Roy fell forward mid pound, straight onto the furious teen in the doorway.

"Ah, you can't reach her?" Roy said mildly to Edward, who was now struggling to breath as he was squashed beneath Roy, who, as Maes had mentioned earlier: needed to find time to go to the gym.

"No. But that's besides the point!" the blond wheezed, struggling around and finally managing to bring his hands together in a clap.

"And what exactly is the point?" Roy said suddenly looking at the world from a different vantage point.

"The point is, that I need revenge." Edward said, smiling up at Roy. It was not a smile that promised fun for the whole family, quite the opposite in fact.

"Why don't you alchemise a little ed-sized revenge for yourself?" Roy felt the blood start to run to his head, fill his usually pale skin a flaming red and make him exceedingly dizzy. And through is own discomfort, he still felt rather amused at baiting the ever-baitable Ed.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO UNDER-GROWN THAT A BABY COULD STEP ON HIM AND SQUISH HIM INTO A THOUSAND TINY ED SIZED PIECES??"

"Err you?"

"GGGRAAAAAA!" obviously this was the wrong answer; Roy mused after Edward had put the finishing touches on Roys current position.

"So you can't use alchemy on anything to do with Elysia, because Maes forbade you from using alchemy in the house? But that wont stop you using it on me?"

"How'd choo- well, _duh_." Ed said, mimicking Roy's own voice.

"He did the same thing to me, threatened me-"

"On pain of photographs." They both said simultaneously, "not that I would use my darling Elysia as black mail!" they quoted.

"Stupid fathers." Edwards muttered, along with a few unprintable phrases.

"I couldn't agree more." Roy said through gritted teeth.

"Well, choo can just _hang_ out 'ere, I'll go check on the monster." With out another word –though he did let out a peel of laughter- he bolted up the stairs and though a doorway marked by hundreds of flowers and a little plaque that read 'the angles room'.

He left Roy, hanging from the ceiling wrapped in a cocoon of brick. Roy groaned and tried to worm his way out of the cocoon, then decided this was a bad idea, a very bad idea. Above him –or actually bellow him- the ground was covered in hundreds of miniature Elysia, all with their very own set of rather sharp looking devil horns and pitchforks, all of which were aimed at him.

And the worst part was, he couldn't click. His hands were wrapped in what seemed to be tape, tape made out of photographs. Now he was pissed, Edward would regret ever having transmuted his gloves, Roy vowed.

"Ugh, Edward? You want to let me down now?" he yelled furiously.

"How about no?"

"I order you to get me down NOW, major!"

"Then please, by all means, don't excuse the insubordination."

Roy just growled in response.

* * *

And all because of a damn cold.

* * *

Belle

AN:

Just for kicks- I am going to start a little comp here, you send in your best quotes and the one I find the best will be posted not only at the bottom of a chapter of 'all because of a damn cold' it will also be (with your permission) put into a whole new fic, one devoted to one liners, one per chapter, your quote will have your name next to it and everything, so if you have any funny, witty, wise or beautiful quotes, send them in! There will be the chance to have your quote on each new chapter I post!

Just for kicks-quote of the day:

"Only the innocent need lawyers, the guilty already know how to lie." Belledonner –me! -


	8. do sheep even have ears

AN: sorry bout the wait!! I was concentrating more on my other fics and haven't been able to get round to this one for a while…ohhh, and guess what, its almost Halloween soon too, if your lucky I can give you all a surprise chapter as a treat, hows that sound? Though I better get some inspiration **hint hint** cause I am going camping tomorrow, so I don't know where I shall find the time…

Ok, first things first; if you had happened to read my last chap I posted here (the one with Roy and ed in the bathroom) I need you to know that I deleted it, it now no longer exists –though I may use it soon…- so just pretend I never wrote that bit, could you?

Any way, thank you all for stick with this, through thick and thin you guy are great!

Now on with the show!!

Disclaimer; this is _my _plot! Mine. I own it! I don't care if I don't directly own the actual thing; this is MINE! In _my_ version I say 'jump', the characters say 'how high?' Anyone steals anything…I am in the right to murder…

Belledonner

Edward glared.

Roy smirked.

Elysia grinned.

Edward glared.

Roy' smirk grew at the flicker of thought that said _if looks could kill_ as he pointedly ignored the monster and leaned casually, or as casually as one can in his current position, on the door fame to the bright little room that seemed so much smaller for the fact all its surfaces were covered in photos of some description.

Elysia's grin grew around the piece of blue military calibre cloth that she held tightly in her clenched teeth. As did the slightly manic glint in her eye to which nobody could claim she was not Maes' daughter –she-devil as she may be-.

Edward picked up the closest book (one that happened to be harmlessly sitting on Elysia's bedside table so it wasn't a far stretch from where he was curled into a brooding lump on the corner of the little-pointy-teethed-she-devil's bed emitting practically visible emo bubble), he lifted it to his face, just low enough that his spiteful golden eyes could glare distrustfully above two ridiculously fluffy sheep ears that were protruding above a title that proclaimed 'the sheep goes baaa' in _awfully_ cheerful colors and fonts that projected the word 'jolly' even though the blue/black haze of Edwards suspicious looking bubble.

_Come to think of it_, Edward thought as one ear came to tickle beneath his nose and across his tightly pressed lips with its stupid fluffy-ness, _do sheep even have ears?_

And considering Edward had never seen a sheep up close, it was entirely possible that they didn't.

The spearhead of the death glare was one Roy mustang; who smirked obliviously as he gazed patronizingly at the _thing_ attached to his sleeve that swung about a foot from the ground, tiny little pink shoes dangling as tiny little teeth held his sleeve in a death grip and was, possibly, one of the only things that could have wared against Edwards glare and come out still standing. In fact it was a miracle that Roy himself was still standing, what with all the missiles Edward was trowing along with his glares –teddy's and plastic toys mostly, but occasionally one of Maes' beloved silver frames would come his way- but he merely dodged them all and settled for waiting till his sleeve tore, because by the looks of it Elysia's teeth were far from weakening their grip.

_Ah, another shirt destroyed by a monster of some description. _ Roy thought as he gave his arm another shake and marvelled at the way she had the energy not to let go while she was swinging madly mid air.

Another thought came to mind;_ gees, if he doesn't take those ears away now, I think I shall have to do something horrible to them, and then replace them with my lips. Though I don't think Maes would appreciate the educational proposes this could create for his daughter…_


	9. clumsy

**Edward wanted to die**

**for all those whom are confused; i did post this originally a while ago, but i decided it happened too suddenly so i put another in to bridge the gap, good enough?  
**

**Another short chapter, I know, but honestly, when I started, each of these chaps was supposed to be under 500 words long!! You got the good end of the stick people!**

**SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO…FREE CAKE FOR ALL!! As promised, though I will give donuts and pretty looking patstrys if I reach 45!!**

**Big thanks to: Amysterious (cara, thanks for the reveiw!). Starbucks galaxy (athena!!). Rivenmist (and you shall have CAKE!!). VenusOfHecate (Yep, very loyal...much like a dog in that aspect runs away...but your ausam all the same?). Ria442 (no cake for you! bad girl, bad!).**

**THANK YOU ALL!!**

**Disclaimer; they own the neighborhood, I just rent the house –though the land lords must hate me cause I continuously screw with their characters and vandalize the town-**

**On with the show!!**

**Belledonner.**

* * *

Edward wanted to die. He wanted to kill his brain. He wanted to kill Mustang, then himself – but no, that would just look like some sort of Gay Double Suicide. Or homosexual homicide. Homo-cide. Wait-wait, what? He was not gay! He was just attracted to Roy, but that didn't mean he was gay…that just meant…well that Roy wasn't a man a therefore did not count.

And the fact that Maes had caught them doing something that would be defined very…_ga_y… was only a minor factor. And therefore did not count.

Edward Elric _was not gay_.

* * *

OoO

"I'm err…very clumsy?" Roy said, knowing full well that Maes would not believe a bar of it, especially after having found them in the downstairs bathroom, door ajar, with Roys hand down Ed's pants and his tongue down his throat, but he tried anyway.

"Clumsy?" Maes said, his voice filled with un-masked doubt and skepticism, with no small amount of amusement and the 'I told you so' tone he was just so good at.

Clumsy; It was one of the many adjectives Edward had for him, along with basted, oafish, stupid, moronic, idiotic, bloody, fucking, blasted, -and when he was being particularly villain-esque; nincompoopy.

And to make matters worse, he couldn't seem to get his hand out from the tightly clinging leather of Edwards pants.

After the two had not moved to respond after a few moments, Maes continued, "what the hell have you two been subjecting my daughter too?"

"Nothing, nothing at all." Roy said smoothly as he stepped in front of the blond (who was apparently attempting to mimic a tomato.), his hand suspiciously behind his back with Edward. "In any case, she was already asleep."

"But I checked, my angles' not in her bed." Maes accused, pointing a finger at Roy's barely covered chest. A hest that appeared to be covered in the suspicious looking purple-red marks that also covered his neck.

"I never said she was asleep in her bed. I believe you would be able to find her above the wardrobe?" Roy said in a voice so completely innocent that it almost covered the scowl on his face.

"I thought I sent you to keep an eye on the babysitter, Roy, and my daughter. But it seems you have been keeping both eyes on Edward." Maes sighed theatrically, "So after you have…_finished_, I am sure Gracia would like to say hello before you leave to continue this elsewhere?" with a knowing wink he shut the door.

"Crap! Er Roy, can you get your hand, er, out? NOW!" Edward screeched from his place squished between the wall and Roys back.

"Ugh, actually, I think I may be, erm, stuck?"

"Oh!" Maes called from the other side of the door, causing both alchemists to jump in fright and Edward to moan from what the motion did to Roy's hand. "I forgot to tell you, Edward ol' buddy, Alphonse said you cant go home tonight, I have the feeling he needs his privacy just as much as you two."

"So, Winry's back in town," Edward mumbled, his flush slowly receding to a scowl, "I don't see why Alphonse never tells me about these things, dose he think I am that oblivious?"

"Of course not." Mustang murmured still managing to sound patronizing even in their current situation. He turned to face the blond again, wriggling his hand to try and get himself unstuck. "Well I guess we will have to do something about _this_."

And the thing was, neither party were too forlorn about this fact.

Even if Edwards nose and mouth was covered in snot.

All because of one damn cold.

* * *

AN: can anyone else see where this might be going…?

winner of 'just for kicks' comp!...VenusOfHecate!! with the quote:

"Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, but what is today but yesterday's tomorrow..."

i like it.

do we have any more entrees for the next chap?


	10. i KNEW this would happen!

AN: finally its done!!!!,

i am sorry, but my internet is running out so i dont have time to thatnk everyone in person, so i would just like to throw cake in your faces and say....THANK YOU REVIEWERS WITHOUT YOU THIS WOULD HAVE FINISHED LONG AGO!!!

thanks again, and now...ON WITH THE SHOW!!!

XX ~Belledonner

* * *

"I knew this would happen!" Edward cackled madly, grin stretching from ear to ear and threatening to tear his face in two. "But _no-o_, you said ' I have great immunity to such mundane illnesses,' and insisted on sucking my face, snot and all. So much for dat piece of shity info!"

Roy would have groaned at the blond perched on the edge of his bed while he lay sick in the middle of it, would have- if not for the intensely painful reaction that contacted his brain each and every time he tried to do more than swallow, let alone speak.

So instead he opted for a bone-melting glare, though he felt the overall effect was somewhat ruined by the snot making a slow trail down his face.

And see the thing was, he would have wiped his mouth by now and improved his glare by 40%, but alas; Edward had attached his hands into the mattress after a doctor had said the only thing that would be any good for Roy was bed rest. But of course the first thing Mustang did after the doctor left was put on his uniform and head for the door. Unfortunately Edward seemed to think it was the best way to keep him here…well at least it's a few days away from work…

"you know Edward..." roy said gruffly, smirk sliding into its startionary place. "when I am, uh, recovered, we could always switch positions...?"

"what do you mean...?"

"well its no good letting restraints go to waist..."

ed grinned.

* * *

and remember, we still have that competition for the best quote!!!

this chaperts is: we must appoligise for the devil, we only know one side of the storie: God's written all the books.

that was sent in by HastyWriter.

thanks a bunch, and anyone eles who feels the urge to send one in, go ahead!

XX belle


	11. the chicken please

AN: THIS IS THE **FINAL** CHAPTER OF A.B.D.C. 

Sorry it took so long to get posted, but time has not been on my side in recent times.

Thanks a bundle to the people who have read the fic that truly proves my insanity. Thanks to the people who are possibly more insane than I am and have -whatever their ulterior motives- reviewed, its you guy who kept this thing going for so long. Thanks to the clinically mad people who have favorited this, you are truly inspiring in your insanity -though I think I may need to find you professional help-.

thank you to; Ellie Bronte, VenusOfHecate, Ria442, Rivenmist, LaLa, mrawgirl09

oh and another big thank you to VenusOfHecate, my beta, she deserves some credit people so throw her some cake!

Thank you all, FREE CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Venus: Hello, everyone! Thought I'd just stay in my quiet corner and write my own fanfics, didn't yah? Hahaha you aren't so lucky!

Warning: this story will not be on the same plot line as the Fullmetal Alchemist manga or anime. That is why us geniuses call it a FAN FIC.

On with the show!

XXX~ belle.

"Why are we here?" Ed asked plaintively as he tried to decode the curling symbols imprinted with fancy gold ink on the menu.

"Because I have never actually taken you out as I should have before, and now we are both fully recovered from out, ah, illness, so I can take you out as I should have been doing."

"Bastard. I am NOT some _girl_ that needs to be pampered and the like. Besides, we all know who the girl in this relationship would be."

"You do realize that technically you're on the bottom even if you're 'on top'?"

"I hate you."

"I am well aware of this fact, Edward."

A waiter crept up to their table, a worried expression on his pale face; as if, for some reason, he expected the need to dive out of the way at any second, "Welcome, and what can I get you sir's for this evening?"

"I will have a glass of your best red wine, and the dish of the day- I believe the chicken is fresh?"

"Of course sir. And you?" he risked a glance at the blond, and wished he hadn't.

"Same same, whatever."

Edward glared at Roy across the table.

Roy smirked and raised an eyebrow.

The waiter escaped to the kitchen.

Back in the kitchen, the chef was preparing two servings of the chicken, the dish of the day and a personal favorite recipe.

He sneezed.

And all because of a damn cold.

THE END!


End file.
